A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
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Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
April 1st is the class clown of days.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.