While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
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Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Golf would be better with landmines.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Lmaoo 😂
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”