a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
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this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.