Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
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[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
…
2015: Taco Emoji!
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.