If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
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just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
For the orator and chef in all of us
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.