Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
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I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.