cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
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Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Ummm
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
I love wikipedia
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical