some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
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Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
I have never related to anyone more.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.