Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
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Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
If a snake ate a cake
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.