Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
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Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.