[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
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Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*