Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
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[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Xylophonist Shredding It
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
had to share :’)
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.