Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
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twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.