Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
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So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
My wedding will be open casket.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”