A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
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I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Haha! 😂
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady