For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
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When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Breaking news:
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.