Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
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Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not