About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
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My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
When your parents check you’re ok.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
I have obtained a hat
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.