I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
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Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
I found your tweet-up…
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.