Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
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Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Ha
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL