Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
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never ask a starfish for directions
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.