“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
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I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals