Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
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“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Love this guy
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
#parenting
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college