There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
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Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.