Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
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Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?