me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
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I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes