i’m still crying at this
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[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
SPLOOT
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???