[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
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Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
Hit me in the face with a bird
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