dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
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Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
me refusing to leave twitter
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.