[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
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Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.