Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
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[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10