I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
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The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
I’m calling the cops.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
This trial is so absurd 😭
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
seems fine
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again