I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
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People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?