I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
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That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
Oh, I bet you would be
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.