Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
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“Great, now I have to pee.”
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*