my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
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UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!