Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
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I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
I am also baked goods
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.