i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
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Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*