white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
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Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!