I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
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“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”