[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
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Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.