If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
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I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Cats (2019)