Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
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What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.