I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
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Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*