If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
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I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”