[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
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Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
That was easy.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?