I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
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“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.