ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
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The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
scenes of unspeakable carnage
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”