I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
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*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Important
Autocorrect completely socks
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
🏙👨🏼
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*