this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
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Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math